I'm so damn tired, it's 3:21 AM now but I have to write this at this moment because I'm a bit agitated in the middle of the night and because I'd forget everything that was running through my mind as I lay in bed with insomnia. A serious entry that's non-visual without pictures and video, or music. I know this is going to take more than a few minutes. Bear with me. I got off the phone with her a while ago and it's been something that I can't get out of mind. I probably shouldn't have called in the first place. So, I'm going to reflect here a bit to myself regardless of the fact that some of my readers know me anonymously, personally, intimately or in real life. I'm going to write this here in my own stream-of-consciousness rant because I don't want to talk to her or write to her anymore. See her again? HaHa. No comment. I'm not being dramatic, just being honest here. Oh yeah, I'm going to refer to her in the third person because as I stated, I don't want to address her anymore. She'll probably think I'm an ass for this (I hope not), but it's my personal blogosphere, I write what I want here when I want because it's my e-Diary. In not so many words, she said "goodbye" to me. She probably didn't even intend for the message to be that way. Maybe she didn't think I would take her words so seriously? To myself, my decision was made when I hung up the phone. I'm a calculating MoFo and I make my decisions quick. That's what law school taught me, to think on my feet at the snap of a finger. I didn't think she was going to pick up and I was reading to give my standard voice message, "It's me again. You never pick up or answer. Call me." I've left that message many a many of times. What's it been? Like 12 years? 13? 14? I can't remember, lost count but I know for sure it's more than a decade because she was just graduating from college and I was a first year in a law firm. It started out fun and in the end, it was pretty old and worn out. I will state for the record that it was her who sent the first message. I responded. HaHa...a Pandora's Box. But Tthere was no point anymore. I don't know, I've put a lot into this relationship/friendship? Whatever it is...it was. It was definitely uneven. In a way, she made me a fool. "I was ignorning you..." Yeah, do I deserve this bullshit? Actually, I don't believe that I deserve it all. I've heard this a while back and perhaps I should have taken it for "face value" when she first said it and realized that she was "shooting from the hip." Maybe it was pay-back for that one year that I was absent from her life. NOT. Yeah, I was made a fool. It's kind hard. I've memorized her address, her cell number and even her home number. If I wanted to, I'd be able to find her again somehow, somewhere. I even called her home number once and her mom answered. Blah, Blah, Blah...I exchanged kind words to her mom. WTF was that all about? Actually, I've done that on several occasions and its always been a bit awkward. But you know, I like her mom a lot...don't know why? You know how you just like some parents and don't like others? I've tried to erase certain people from my memory. It's virtually impossible the way our brains our programmed. I wish computers were like our brains sometimes then I wouldn't lose stuff all the time. Yet again, I forget stuff all of the time. There have been several women (and men) in my life who I've left behind. Perhaps they left me behind too? You can never forget them. They sometimes haunt me in my day dreams and night dreams too. As a friend, perhaps I was too brutally honest with her. Maybe I scared her away? Maybe I pushed her away? Maybe I was too fatalistic? Maybe I was too pessimistic? Maybe I annoyed her? Perhaps it's a combination of all of the above. It's amazing, the lawyer-in-me won't let me write this with any typos. I'm so anal-rentative. Friends come and go (in life) and that's my conclusion. She's another casualty. Which begs the question, "what are friends for?" I have no idea. I'm not even sure...maybe it's just a title given to others so that we can use one another. Who knows? But wait, I'm missing a critical piece to the puzzle here, once 3000 now 6000. I know, cryptic. We both failed as friends. I knew she was struggling. She knew I was struggling too through the many years we've known each other (of course, I would never admit such a thing). The nerve of her to think that I had issues! That's sarcasm for you in a 2D environment like Xanga. I gave her the best advice that I thought would set her straight. She never dared to tell me how to live my life. I think there was a point when I told her that "life is a bitch" and you just have get up and "dust yourself off." In retrospect, she probably needed someone to just hear her out, but not someone to give her a "pep talk." This song comes to mind. Auld Lang Syne..."Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon..." I can never remember the rest of the lyrics. I really have no idea what the meaning of this song is and why the hell do we sing it on New Year's Eve/New Year's Day? For me, when I hear this song, I get real melancholy...I mean really really melancholy to the max. If anyone is truly curious, I'd recommend Googling it on the internet. I should too. Damn that Matt. Timing is everything...well, most everything since we are guided and controlled by time. It's not to say that my timing is off, as it's quite impeccable because I've been in the right place at the right time many times in my life. F*** him. She always thought it was cool when I used 4-letter words. She said: "I don't care..." I said: "What?" She said: "I don't care about what you think John. I'm fine with it." I said: "OK." Understood. I said: "Have a wonderful day." Well [deep breath...sigh] that's my cue. Exit Aristotle (and I make a weak analogy to a Shakespearian tragic hero). It's an epiphany that hits me like a ton of bricks and when someone says the words "I don't care..." then the "message is loud and clear." I'm using way too many cliches in this entry. It was not so much my decision, but I think it was a mutual one that was unsaid. I got frustrated. She got protective. I said that I wasn't going to refer to her in the first person. I take that back. I'm not that classless and evil. Cathy, it's been a good run but we ran out of gas. I think the one thing that I took away from our last conversation was that you were really "happy." I could hear it in your voice...it was real. You may think that I don't have any compassion for others, but perhaps that's where you were wrong about me. I do have one gripe and you'll agree to this too, when I needed a friend...you were never there for me. Still, you are one of the few (that I can count on my hand) who knows/knew me inside-and-out. You have a long winding road ahead of you. Make the most of it and I know in the end, you'll be happy. Thanks...sincerely. PEACE BE WITH YOU. | 
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